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I Miss Smoking Weed??
My Brain Is A Fucking Full-Time Job.
Like in the MOST EMBARRISNG WAY, LIKE in the, “remember when we used to hotbox our friend’s Honda and listen to music that changed our lives” way. More in the deeply practical sense that sometimes I would like my brain to shut the fuck up for thirty consecutive minutes.
I have always been an anxious person hehe so awesome. Not necessarily in the visible, dramatic way...? More so in the way where my brain treats every minor interaction like it’s evidence in an ongoing investigation of how fucking annoying can Ivy be! Yeah, it’s super super fun!
Did I sound weird in that conversation?
Was that email too enthusiastic?
Too cold?
Too many exclamation points?
Not enough exclamation points?
Why did I pronounce that word wrong like I’m still in seventh grade?
Do people notice when I talk slightly weird or have I invented that too?
It’s exhausting being a person whose brain apparently runs on a 24-hour news cycle!
And for a period of time, weed offered something beautiful: ~buffering~
I miss when my brain would present me with an anxious thought and the weed would respond, hmmm… maybe later.
Because now? Now my brain receives one small inconvenience & launches a full-scale corporate investigation.
One unanswered text?
Interesting. Let’s review every friendship you’ve had since birth. But if I accidentally take too long or forgotten, know that, that friend is definitely not frreaking out or probably didn’t even notice! But yet I feel the need to apologize the second I text them back, making sure they know I DON’T HATE THEM OMGGG(normal right?) Make it make sense!
A slightly awkward interaction at the grocery store?
Perfect.
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to have a naturally quiet brain. To simply experience a moment and then move on from it. Revolutionary concept!
Unfortunately, I was built like a browser with 42 tabs open, music playing from somewhere unknown, and one tab that’s definitely frozen but seems emotionally important so I can’t close it.
Weed used to slow that down
Well????????
Sometimes.
Other times it did the exact opposite...
Because this is where I have to be honest, weed & I had a deeply toxic relationship
Sometimes I would smoke and suddenly become the coolest, calmest version of myself. Food tasted better. Music sounded better. I could sit outside for an hour and think, wow, trees really are doing a lot for us.
Other times, I would become aware of my heartbeat
And once you become aware of your heartbeat, the evening is pretty much over...
Nothing quite compares to the experience of taking one innocent hit and then spending forty minutes manually breathing while trying to act normal.
Or becoming convinced that everyone around you can tell you’re high despite the fact you’re sitting silently on a couch holding a sparkling water.
Or realizing you’re too aware of your hands.
Nobody talks enough about the fact that sometimes smoking weed is basically volunteering to become suspicious of your own existence for two hours.
So no, I don’t necessarily miss weed itself.
I miss un interruption!!
I miss the feeling of my thoughts arriving slower. I miss accidentally staring at a candle for twenty minutes instead of conducting psychological warfare against myself. I miss moments where my brain got distracted enough to stop trying to optimize, analyze, predict, and catastrophize every tiny thing.
Now I do adult wellness things instead(BORING)
I take magnesium. I go on walks. I buy expensive calming beverages. I attempt meditation approximately twice a year. I tell myself caffeine isn’t the issue while drinking my coffee that I now get with 3 shots because I love the flavor more with shaking hands!!
Growth...Or whatever?
(I now just do the drinking thing)
I don’t actually wish I smoked weed again. Mostly because I know exactly how it would go,
I would romanticize it for weeks, take one hit, become convinced my tongue feels different, and spend the next hour asking my husband if I’m acting weird or having a heart attack :P
But I do miss the version of myself that occasionally moved through life a little slower. So I am still chasing a high? But just something that is more realistic and not going to give me a panic attack haHa ..
My brain & I are together forever(unfortunately)
✰I just wish she had an off button lol